the cold. (night blog 1)

I am very cold.

I can't ascertain the current air temperature of the bomb shelter I work in. It doubles as the security control center, and houses lots of servers and computer things, hence the cold. I've been awake since 4:30 am, after barely managing to fall asleep on a camp bed, maybe just past 1. I am swathed, or maybe swaddled, in two sweaters (a hoodie & a wool turtleneck), my uniform, and two blankets covering the lower and upper halves of my body. My military issued Nalgene-esque bottle doubles as a hot water bottle.

It's grimly painted only because I abhor waking up in the middle of the night, much less with less than 8 hours sleep, and even less so when I need to be attentive.

As I fell asleep last night, I thought about starting to make blog posts while on night shifts, which I have every other day. It's awful but for the fact that it's practically the only alone time I get anytime I'm in base. I've a fool proof method for drifting off to sleep, which involved focusing your mind on only two things: visually imagine a screen of white, angelic blank white if you will, and aurally focus on one repetitive white noise. Sometimes I will be able to hear the very stillness of a room, that little buzz that you pick up on when no other sound can be identified? Magical. I've always had an overactive mind, but when I started having trouble sleeping, it was because my mind jumped and raced from thought to thought without pause. So I developed this way, because it works for me. I am still awful at practicing proper mindfulness, in any other context "bring yourself back" would make me cringe with bad memories.

My best ideas seem to come to me in between the moment I tuck myself under my blanket and when I finally drift off, so I think I'll make it a bigger priority to lay down and think before making myself sleep.

I think writing these posts will be two-pronged in their benefit (if not more). Firstly, I'll be able to practice writing anything which I sorely need. I've always read the adage that the only way to write is to do it with regularity. So far I have struggled to even fulfill this basic tenet. Secondly. it will actually warm up my body since I'm forced to move my fingers. Here's hoping this works out.

And what will I be writing about? Well absolutely anything. Hopefully just one thing a day. Minimally, just one thing a day. I want this to be distinct from a diary, in style, tone and content, since I already keep a diary, which I've taken to writing in daily since isolation measures began.

Tomorrow, I think I will write about running, or perhaps the of migrant workers in Singapore, their systemic disenfranchisement which has lead to their current appalling treatment in COVID-19 times.

I don't think I will share this link with anyone until I am satisfied that I'll stick to it. Already it took me an hour and a half to even think about something to write, though perhaps that's the whole point of this... to think...